Saturday, December 24, 2005

Ho Ho Ho!

7:59 a.m.

Well, today was my official Christmas seeing as I'm working from 10am to midnight at the MEO tomorrow.

Bah, humbug!

In the meantime, Santa was pretty good to me this year.

I got a jug of egg nog. Although I kinda wish he'd stuck it in the fridge instead of under the tree because now it's kinda chunky. Not that I'm complaining, Santa...chunky nog is better than no nog at all.

I got a hairbrush and some deodorant in my stocking. Huh. Santa must be trying to tell me something. I lift my arm and sniff into the pit of my Christmas jammies. My eyes start to water and my sinuses miraculously clear. I crinkle my brow in puzzlement. No worse than usual. I shrug and move on.

I got a fruit cake which I am currently using as target practice. I mount it atop an upside-down vase against the back wall of my closet. (I would prefer to use live ammo or a compound bow, but I guess I'll have to settle for darts...or maybe steak knives if I'm really having a bad day.) I walk back to my desk, sit in my office chair, swivel, and take aim. I send a dart deep into the belly of the beast. Candied fruit bleeds out in festive chunks. I smile. That was a kill shot if I ever saw one and I have three darts left! Damn, I'm good!

I aim higher on the wall at a picture of the Great Satan (that would be my boss) that I stapled to the dart board as an afterthought. The dart bounces off the board and ricochets into a line of clothes hanging along the wall. I smirk. No matter, old man. Your time will come. I turn back to the computer screen with a contented sigh and take a swig of chunky nog.

This is a hell of a lot more satisfying than squeezing a stress ball.

Oh, and peace on Earth, good will t'ward men and all that...

Merry Christmas!


Eleanor said...

Merry Christmas to you Polly!

Thanks for all the great stories!


xjclnck - hmmph, my neck is clean

Kafaleni said...

Merry Christmas, hon!!

wishing you happiness, health and s slightly lighter workload for the new year!

Jeff Meyerson said...

Uhoh, better watch out. Polly is in a dart throwing, ball squeezing mood today.

Kafaleni said...

which is not such an issue for the female, ball-free half of the population. But I can see how you would be worried.

*loves Jeff an athletic supporter for Christmukah

NONE said...

Merry Christmas!

fipxixku- f u ?

Nancy said...

My mom always gives me a toothbrush -- every single year. So, I feel your deoderant pain!

kitty said...

HO³ to you, too, Polly!

Alex said...

You think deodorant and toothbrushes are bad? I had to open packages of underwear from under the Christmas tree, in front of the family!

Merry Christmas

Tamara said...

I secretly unwrapped [then re-wrapped] all my presents before Christmas one year.

One gift was a training bra from my mother.

On Christmas day, I did not want to open that package. And I could not explain why.

I should bring that up in therapy. The Christmas Bra. Grrr...

BulletBill said...

I can sympathize with poor Tamara, I too once received an embarrassing gift of my own (a jock). I got revenge on my Dad for doing that, next Christmas I gave him a package of Tucks.

Ever since I started my own family (1 daughter) there has been one ironclad rule: "clothing" is considered a supply item much as cat food and is not appropriate for a gifts. Christmas presents are always toys, because gifts are something you want, not something you NEED.

One big fiscal benefit is that neither my wife nor daughter are into the whole 'fashion' thing.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all (especially Polly).

Mike Weasel said...

Chunky Nog might BAGNFARB but it makes me shudder...


(Sorry... someone pass me a hanky)

Tamara said...

Polly, your blog seems to be broken. Again.

motw said...

HAP-py New Year! *hic*
Jan. 4, 12:58PM
urhthqsw - I got nuthin'.

Anonymous said...

It is difficult to keep any relationship going. It takes both sides to work. No disrepect but sometimeis i think we expect too much from Polly.

Tamara said...

"No disrepect but sometimeis i think we expect too much from Polly."

What. Ever.


Lookit ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!

Slyeyes said...

Tamara, re the Christmas bra -- when I was 16, and BEGGING for a Beatle album (I think it was the White Album that year); I got a Glen Campbell album and a screaming scarlet red bra, panty and slip set.

I had a very difficult time trying not to cry. (1) disappointment for not getting the Beatles album. I knew it was an album and was totally expecting The Beatles. (reason: Your dad LOVES Glen Campbell, I thought you would too) (2) mortification at opening a screaming scarlet red lingerie set in front of family on Christmas morning.