Wednesday, January 04, 2006


3:44 p.m.

I am standing in front of the mirror in the guest bathroom at LHM's house. It's New Year's Eve and we're getting ready to go out for a nice steak (medium rare, of course) dinner. We are running late, so I call to LHM asking how much more time he needs.

"Hey!" I yell.


I narrow my eyes. It's awfully quiet out there. Too quiet. I shrug. Maybe he's busy seeing a man about a horse. I turn back to the mirror and just finish powdering my nose when I hear a loud pop and feel a sharp sting in my left buttock.

"Ouch!" I jump and look up at the doorway. LHM is standing there with a grin on his face and the toy shotgun I bought him for a How To Host A Murder party we went to the other night. (He was Elias Truis Teeth, a young gun slinger, and I was Elvira Lynn Fection, the owner and maddam of the local brothel. I'll post a picture or two later.)

"Damn it!" I kick off my heels and start chasing him around the house. "This is the fourth time you've shot me in the ass with that thing! Now prepare to be kicked in yours!"

Unfortunately, I'm a rather small woman and in a wrestling match with a 6'3" tall man, fingernails and teeth can only do so much. I have no choice but to pull out the big guns. I collapse.

"My arm! Oh, it hurts! You hurt me!" I curl into a ball and craddle my arm. LHM lets me go and immediately asks me if I'm okay. I gasp a few more times before springing into action.

Ha. Men. So easy.

Unfortunately, the surprise attack only really works if you are intent on truly disabling somebody. So because I was kind and figured LHM might want to have children someday, I ended up in a headlock in my fancy dress until I said "uncle". Serves me right for not fighting dirty. Dirtier.

In other news:

Jose quit a couple of days after Christmas. So now I am acting supervisor for his area in addition to my other duties. Pile it on, babies. More weight.

I got my new contract, which was a joke, as expected. I countered this morning and have been waiting all day to see if I'll get what I asked for.

I am going to go run a couple of cases in Michigan next week...that is if they accept my counter-offer. It'll be fun to get out there on the road again. It's surprising how much I miss sitting in my truck blogging all day.

I haven't taken off my robe in 3 days. Maybe I'll get dressed tomorrow just for lips and tickles. I'm starting to feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

All work and no play makes Polly a dull girl.


Cap'n Bob Napier said...

You do it in a dirty robe? How decadent. Glad to hear from you again, Polly. You were missed.

Tamara said...

POLLYYYYYY! :) *smooooches!*

BulletBill said...

Hey everybody!!!! Shes Baaaack!!

Hmmm wrestling with LHM. I guess that line from the movie Hitch is correct - hitting IS a good thing..

hqxzcq - can I buy a vowel?

insomniac said...

mmmm... medium rare steak... definitely the way to go. if you order 'rare' you might wind up with a purple, cold, still-quivering piece of cowflesh.

oh, the other stuff you wrote was good, too! :)

Polly P.I. said...

Did somebody say quivering purple cowflesh?

Okay. Just checking. I'm going back to bed.

motw said...

Advice from a Texan who knows how to grill: Just cook it till it stops mooing.

dzscrc - bulletbill, i dn't knw whr th vwls hv gne

Higgy said...

All work and no blogging makes your audience frazzled and impatient!

Give LHM a high-five for the butt-stinger! Only 4 times so far? I'm surprised by his restraint...

twshnver - William Shatner's AOL screename...

Jeff Meyerson said...

Polly, welcome back. We missed you. And Happy New Year.

NONE said...

Yeah michigan!!! Let me know if you are in the Ann Arbor Area! Or even Better Milan...yeah I live in cornfields. woot.

Polly P.I. said...

Hi, guys! I missed you. Glad to be home...even if it is in the barren tundra.

Timilee, I'm going to Cheboygan, MI, which, if you look, is about three feet from Canada at the tip of the mitten.


Maybe I'll stop at the Celery Museum on my way up. Bummer I missed out on that little gem last time I was in Michigan...

BulletBill said...


And I always thought that Texans cooked thier beef until it was grey (= well done). Me? I'm a warm red center kinda guy, although I am partial to a very nice carpaccio with capers and parmesan.

pscxy - PC Sexy?

Peri said...

How about if I go 3 feet on the other side and we can wave at each other?