Saturday, May 07, 2005


8:00 a.m. I drive up to Subject's home and find that his vehicle is no longer parked in front of the residence. Oh, fudge. I am seriously second guessing my decision to set up later today...

There are several more vehicles in the parking lot and I begin running DMV searches on all of them. These searches give a name and an address, which means that I can make "pretext" (PI speak for lying like a politician) calls to neighbors and ask them nosy questions. One of my favorites is to call and act as if I meant to call the Subject but got this number instead. I act all friendly and say I'm an old friend and we'd lost track of each other. Then I'll ask something specific to the case.."I was so sorry to hear he became permanently disabled. Do you know if he's working again? How's that back of his?" And so on.

8:45 a.m. Ha! He's back! No..not he. She. The wife went on an errand. Black female, 5'8", 130 lbs. Medium length straight brown hair. She's carrying a donut box. (Donuts. Yum.) She parks and walks into the residence. Ah well.

9:20 a.m. An old man I saw yesterday is outside. He's watching me very intently. It doesn't help that I have Wisconsin plates on my truck. Rrr. He walks over and knocks on my window. *sigh* Tells me he noticed me here yesterday and then again today. Anything he can help me with? "No", I tell him. "I am conducting an investigation. If you would like to know any more details please feel free to contact the police." Oh. Well. That usually does the trick. Old man looks at me funny. "We've got three murderers in this neighborhood. I hope you catch them. One guy over there killed a woman in his house and tore her legs right off. Nobody ever bothered to tell us he was a sex offender even with all these kids in this neighborhood." Wow. Holy crap. He wishes me good luck and walks back to his car. I'm kinda glad this is my last day on this job.

I get back to the song I am writing. The lyrics, so far, go like this:
A cool night
Candle light
As we danced in my hotel room.

I could see in your eyes
The same surprise
Never felt love like this before

That's all I have so far. Okay, admittedly, all written out that looks really sappy. Maybe I'll make it a good ol' country ballad...

My heart feels like
It's been kicked by a mule
Cuz ya broke my heart
So I'm drinking to drool

I love my momma
But my jeans are too tight
Like the love for you
Fillin my heart tonight

Obviously I have missed my true calling.

11:35 a.m. Subject's wife is cleaning out her car. She just took a laundry basket out of her trunk and is filling it with all sorts of stuff.

11:54 a.m. She just went back inside. Not looking good on catching the Subject. Good thing I get paid anyway. The client will have to buy more surveillance time if they want to get the goods on this guy.

12:00 p.m. I take my last master shot and head back to the expressway. I stop at BK for a Tendercrisp bacon ranch sandwich. Wow. I don't care if it stops my heart and increases my pant size, it's worth it.

2:00 p.m. Finally got home. I never made up my To Do list. Bummer.

On the plus side, I finally figured out what smells. I left some oatmeal on the stove a few days ago. Oops.


Jeff Meyerson said...

Polly, this is so much fun, reading your exploits. It's like a real p.i. novel come to life. And the "three murderers" thing was better than tv!

And you even got to (almost) see the Virgin Mary stain and ate a bacon ranch crisp sandwich.

Life is good.

Polly P.I. said...

Life IS good. Thanks so much for the input. I love hearing from you guys. And I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Oh, and FYI...I think that I saw the Virgin Mary in the cellulite on my left thigh.

Marvin | Paranoid Android said...

Well then, your avid readers demand photographic evidence of your thighs!

I mean...photographic evidence of the Virgin Mary!

kibby F5 said...

Sounds like there was a pretty observant neighbor to be able to pick out your truck. Suppose it had something to do with the murders increasing his vigelence.

wysiwyg said...

OK, I have a question: What's a "Master Shot" when its at home?

BTW - you DID do your "to do" list - just cut and paste the one you roughed out below, print it out and stick it to the fridge. A piece of advice though - don't set any dates for doing things, it only ends up in tears....

Higgy said...

I second the call for evidence of this Virgin in your thighs!

Keep the updates coming!