Tuesday, July 26, 2005

7/26/05

4:23 a.m. I found my first gray hair yesterday... shimmering there on the top of my head in the roots that so desperately needed touching up. I wasn't sure at first. Is this a trick of the light? But then I pulled it out and took a closer look. Sure enough. Well, wadda ya know. It was silvery white and thicker than the rest. I was pleased. None of that dull yellow gray for me, boy. I don't know why people dislike gray hair. It's such a lovely color. When I go gray I will have shimmery hair to match my sparkly pants.

Of course, that doesn't prevent me from running to my hair dresser in a panic. I walk into the salon and say, "Fix me! I need it to look good NOW!" She laughs. My hair is a disaster. Stringy and knotted up. I have been entirely negligent over the past few months. As she tries to comb her way through my rats nest, I feel like I owe her an explanation. "I don't have to have much human contact, you see..." She says nothing. I feel like I'm being scolded, so I sulk quietly while she does her magic.

The hair dresser finally gets me looking half-human again and then I have an idea. This is a full-service salon/spa. Why not try that spray paint fake tan thingy? A little color might do me some good...

As usual, I don't think very far ahead before embarking on this latest journey. I follow the cute, 20-something young woman to a room off of the main salon. The room is furnished sparcely with a full-length mirror, a floor mat, and a cabinet filled with the stuff that I suppose she will use to paint me.

The woman turns to me and says, "Just...you know...take your clothes off and I'll be back in in a couple of minutes." I looked at her. "I... you mean I have to get naked?" I say. She looks at me impatiently. "I've done this, like, maybe 200 times. Don't worry about it."

She walks out of the room and I stand there for a minute. I reason with myself. Oh, stop being a prude, Polly...women get bikini waxes from total strangers. This can't possibly be as bad as that. So I take off my clothes and I'm scanning the room looking for, you know, a towel...a napkin...something to cover up with. There is a chair and I consider sitting in it, but then I think of the 200 other people that were in this room before me and I quickly abandon that idea.

The girl walks back in and I reflexively cross one leg over the other and use my hands to cover the important parts. She glances at me and rolls her eyes toward the ceiling. Then she turns to the cabinet and begins pulling out bottles and tubes and things.

She loads the air brush sprayer and tells me to stand in front of the mirror and put my arms out in front of me. I watch in the mirror as she starts spraying me with this cold clear liquid. "This is so that the color will catch better," she tells me conversationally. I look at her. "You mean you're priming me? I'm being primed?" I start to reconsider the wisdom of being air brushed, but it's too late. I'm already on the roller coaster, as it were, so I might as well throw my arms up in the air and enjoy the ride, right?

The girl is spraying...you know...EVERYTHING. I am tempted to ask her how the weather is down there, but I refrain. Finally, after about 20 minutes, she tells me I'm done. "Stand right there, now." She puts a fan on me and tells me that I'll be feeling a little tacky until everything dries. She leaves the room and I examine the results in the mirror. Hmmm...not bad. I decide that being spray painted was okay after all.

Maybe next time I'll try the bikini wax.

29 comments:

Brat said...

Not so bad ..... But did Chip Foose sign it? That would've made it primo!

Dave said...

OMG I would have been laughing the whole time being naked and having someone spray me he he he he. I would have been like a 8 year old school girl he he he

Larry said...

With my luck I would get uh... excited by the painting process and then after it was done (and IT was less excited) it would probably be darker than the rest of me...

why do I think of these things?

:)

Polly P.I. said...

Just one of the many reasons I'm glad I'm a girl, Larry...

tamara said...

Girl, you crack me up!

*wiping tears out of eyes*

JD Rhoades said...

Heh! Larry, my best friend's wife (who is an extremely stacked redhead) does that spray on tan thing as a sideline. She offered to do it for me and the missus last time we were down at their place at the beach.

I had to turn her down, as the inevitable physical reaction might have caused, shall we say, complications all around.

Tao said...

Gray hair could be sexy some times..
Dont you worry..You are really beutifull..

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Could have been worse. Could have had it done by a guy named Vito in a chop shop in Jersey. Did you at least get racing stripes?

Eleanor said...

Interesting that most of the comments on this post are from guys - hmmmmm...

just sayin'

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Eleanor, I think that's because the idea of being willingly spray painted is a pretty foreign concept to most guys. I have no frame of reference other than having a can of yellow house paint dumped on my head in high school.

Of course, it might just be because Polly said something about being naked.

punky brewster said...

*wipes drool*

So ... um ... Larry ... mind if I use your photo for recreational purposes?

Polly ... great story telling ... as always. So ... how do "the girls" look tan? Mine have never had the opportunity ... they always ended up looking like headlights in the night, my tan lines were so severe.

Higgy said...

Polly (and Punky) - I'm sorry, I'm having trouble envisioning this whole story. Maybe some pictures would help me? Especially the "headlights" shot that Punky mentioned....

jane said...

you're just trying to frustrate your male readers, aren't you polly? ;-)

B-Dubbs said...

Polly-
You have the amazing talent of making the ordinary events in life the funniest things ever...kudos! Thanks for making my slow work day a little bit more funny. :-) P.S. I found my first gray hair already and I'm only 22...I don't think it was a coincidence that I found it on the second day I was teaching in a second grade classroom. :-P Gotta love kids... I agree though... gray hair carried well is truly beautiful. I'm just not so sure I'm ready for it at 22.

punky brewster said...

p.s. Polly ... go for the Brazilian. Wax, that is.

mad Scientist said...

Before I even opened the comments section I knew there would be at least one request for photos.

Polly here in LA there is an ad for one of the local stations where you see this 20 something guy buying a extra foam soy latte drink then getting a spray on tan and then while getting a pedicure calling his friend and telling him how exhausting his day has been. The guy is pretty orange looking after the tan booth. I hope you aren't orange.

Oh and Polly I have a case for you...

Olga said...

The closest I've ever come to being spray painted was getting an airbrush tattoo at the local fair when I was younger.
Of course, your story reminded me of that Friends episode when Ross gets the spray tan... (he he he!)

Jeff Meyerson said...

"You mean you're priming me? I'm being primed?"

ROTFLMAO.

Polly, you are too much. And yes, that is a compliment.

Olga said...

I'm also thinking about that huge can of Aqua Net that used to be under the sink in my bathroom (a very long time ago). Choking on the fumes in the name of fashion and big hair.

Polly- was the spray tan akin to that feeling?

B-Dubbs said...

Ha ha! Olga I love how you relate all of Polly's blogs to episodes of Friends. As a fellow Friends affecionado I appreciate your antics tremendously! The spray tan episode is classic! Your posts continue my theory that every situation in life can (at least partially) relate to an episode of Friends!

punky brewster said...

HIH Chapter 4 is ready to be posted ... but I can't get on the MOAT. :(

tamara said...

Hey, P-dawg: Email it to me, and I'll, ummm, proofread it for you whilst we wait. ;)

Jeff Meyerson said...

Yeah, what's with that, P? I can get up to 2:16 pm but no later.

punky brewster said...

t$ ... I'll send it via yahoo group. Here it comes.

tamara said...

Ah! Good idea!

*sets telephone to Do Not Disturb*

mike weasel said...

Dang, Mad, you read my mind about that KTLA ad. Anyway, Polly, you're officially Californian now. Congrats! So, Mad, what case do you have for her? And why do I feel like someone is following me? lol

Marie said...

*gives Polly a standing ovation* Thanks for making my day! That was too funny. :-)

Thor said...

nice story, polly. you know, i'm so pale that even a spray-on tan would probably burn me! :oP glad you got in a little day of pampering, though. no excuse to elude the public anymore!

kibby F5 said...

*tries to turn images off*

*can't*