Wednesday, August 03, 2005

8/3/05

6:16 a.m. I got a call from Hummer yesterday morning around 9am. He was calling in sick on a case he was supposed to have been on at 6am. Admittedly, he DID sound as if he was about to keel over.

I was irritated that he'd waited three hours into the investigation to call in. "Wulp, I din't wanna wake you up." He sniffs and then moans as if in pain. Oh, stop...less is more, Hummer.

"Hummer, you KNOW you need to call me before your case begins if you're sick. You've been working for this company for three years! I don't care if it's two o'clock in the morning...just leave a message on my voicemail if I don't answer."

"Okay." He says. Silence.

But I'm not through. I've got a few bones to pick with Hummer and I'm in a pissy mood. "Hummer, where is your update from the Johnson case you were supposed to conduct yesterday?" I'd gotten an email from Corp this morning indicating that Hummer didn't turn in his update.

"Oh. I'm doing that one today." Silence. Don't call him a jackass...DON'T call him a jackass.

In what I felt was a heroic show of self-control, I said calmly, "Hummer, you can't just reschedule your own cases on a whim."

"Okay." He says. More silence.

"And..." I am getting mad now, "And you must come to me when you have questions and concerns. That pay discrepancy you had last week...I told you to send me an email outlining the issue so I could forward it up the Chain of Command. I TOLD you how to handle it and yet you chose to go over my head and call Stinky Jimmy because you didn't want to take the time to follow procedure and fill out a form!" Now I'm letting him have it with all of my female fury augmented by P.M.S. "Jimmy called me and he was pissed, Hummer. You don't follow company policies. You get picked up more than all of the company's investigators put together. And you cut corners and make Jimmy and I both look bad. You are close, Hummer. Really close. I want you to do well in this company and I will have your back if you'll at least try, but I would rather run your cases myself than have an employee who is unreliable." And a jackass.

Interestingly, during the course of our conversation Hummer's illness seems to be improving. I am glad that I am able to help him feel better.

After I get off the phone I call Stinky Jimmy. I love calling Stinky Jimmy when I'm mad because he gets mad right along with me. And then he makes me laugh. What a good boss. Anyway, here's a little exerpt from the truly masterful email Jimmy sent to Corp and CC'd to Hummer and I.

Recently actions of Investigator Hummer have been somewhat questionable and a review of the Investigator's standards is necessary. It seems as if Investigator Hummer feels that he can re-schedule cases as his own whim, disregard the Chain of Command, discuss case incidents with former supervisor before notifying own supervisor, notifying supervisor late in the morning to advise of being sick well into the scheduled case, and too numerous times to be mentioned being confronted by Claimant or other case factoring situations. While it is true that the Investigator has been carrying a substantial caseload, his actions cannot be overlooked.

This company has strict procedures which must be followed and to place a case in jeopardy due to a lackless effort cannot be tolerated. Just as we have Clients whom we have to deal with, Investigator's must be aware of Client needs and the responsibility to a Client to conduct proper and timely cases.

Please forward this memo directly to Investigator Hummer advising that this company will not tolerate any further actions described above.

It is requested that a copy be placed in Investigator's personal file for future reference.

Stinky Jimmy
Regional Manager



Woo hoo! My ass stings from that and I'm not even the one who was getting the whoopin'...

I smile and decide I wanna be Stinky Jimmy when I grow up. Except for not so stinky.

12 comments:

Anon said...

Polly PI accepts no slackers!

The line for volunteer Ass Whoopers starts here ....

OK, people settle down. You'll all get your chance.

HUMMER - Bend over, grab your ankles and kiss your ....
no, no, forget that last part, just grab your and take it like you've got a pair.

MrFisher said...

Might I just add Polly, that you missed one very important detail.

The Not so Stinky PI's WBAGNFARB

But I guess I better run that by my super first. ;)

Sherri said...

I often get to type up letters like that for my boss -- I'm good at it. It lets my inner English Major romp.

So I just gotta ask...what is "lackless"? It sounds good and has the stingy effect, but I haven't got a clue what it means...

Polly P.I. said...

Stinky Jimmy is famous for making up words. I think he maybe meant lackluster.

I agree, though, it does sound good.

Tamara said...

Hummer STILL WORKS THERE?! Polly, hire me, please. I would LOVE to goof off all day, and fake sick sometimes, and get paid for all of it! How are the benefits?

Olga said...

Sherri-
I agree - "lackless"? The editor in me cringed as I read the excerpt. If only I could use my trusty red pen online...
However, the grammatical errors and made up words do help to add a more angry tone.

I wouldn't want to be Hummer right now!

Eleanor said...

Hummer reads the memo and hums (to himself of course)
Take This Job and Shove It -

jane said...

you should refer him to OPM/CFIS. he'd fit right in!

Polly P.I. said...

Jane,

So true! He'd be a Special Agent In Charge by now...

Higgy said...

Polly, while we'd love to see you get ahead (insert dirty joke here) and be Stinky Jimmy when you grow up - can we humbly request that you not only be not so Stinky, but you also don't undergo major surgery to become a Jimmy?

Unless there's something you haven't told us yet, in which case I'm going to have to be violently ill and scrub my brain out with Clorox...

Jeff Meyerson said...

I thought Hummer was already a goner. Wow, Stinky J really carved him a new one. Not that there's anything wrong with that, as he clearly deserved it.

Lt. said...

'tis true. Hummer is more useless than (insert favourite analogy here). However, he is fun to laugh at.

If it wasn't for the fact that you're responsible (even when you're not at fault) for his actions, you'd probably be sitting here with us, shaking your head in bemusement at the latest antics of Hummer.