Friday, August 12, 2005

8/12/05

8:09 a.m. I was going to entitle this post POINTERS FOR THE BUDDING INVESTIGATOR. But, upon reflection, I think that STUPID THINGS I'VE DONE is probably more appropriate.

Like the time I called a Subject's office on pretext and hadn't figured out an alias yet. When Mira Abooboo's secretary asked me to leave a name, I freaked and said, "Sharon...Abooboo...No relation." Gulp. Amazingly, I got away with it because the person I was investigating owned and operated an Indian dress-making shop so her clientelle was primarily Indian.

Or the time that I had a certain home video I'd made that ended up going to Corp instead of the Flanders case. (Ahem.) I got an email from Jethro at the office a few days later commenting on how the camera didn't seem to add ten pounds to me at all... (See Polly's face in a mask of complete and total horror.)

Speaking of work videos... There was the time that I had, apperently, left the camera on for about 20 minutes while it lay in my lap. Corporate got a good laugh out of what they so kindly dubbed "The crotch cam".

Or when I was eating hazelnuts in my truck before going in to an interview with a Subject. I walked up to the door and a big, handsome brute of a man answered. Yum. I smiled at him and he kind of backed away. Weird. I remembered to put on deodorant. I conducted the entire interview and he just stared at the wall behind my head. Whatever. Some people are just rude. I asked to use the restroom before I left and when I looked in the mirror I could have died. Nut shells and scum were coating my teeth. I looked like I hadn't brushed... ever.

And finally... (Oh, I hate to admit this)... The time when I was in the back of my truck using my handy-dandy bucket and while I was busy taking care of business, my Subject got in his car and left. I looked up. He was gone. Now, you can imagine my report.

"Investigator inadvertantly lost Subject due to drinking a 64oz mug of tea. Efforts to re-establish surveillance were unsuccessful."

No need to sugar-coat it. Yeah. I suppose I could have worded it differently, but this was more fun. I got a call from Joe, my supervisor at the time, who told me that maybe I should leave that portion out. "But we're supposed to explain why we lost the Subject." I complain. "How else am I going to say it without making it sound like I was taking a nap?" I know I am being difficult, but, like I said, this is more fun. Joe is quiet for a minute and then says, "Well, we'll send it up and see what Corporate does with it. Just... you know..stop drinking so much tea."

14 comments:

Jeff Meyerson said...

Or the time that I had a certain home video I'd made that ended up going to Corp instead of the Flanders case. (Ahem.) I got an email from Jethro at the office a few days later commenting on how the camera didn't seem to add ten pounds to me at all... (See Polly's face in a mask of complete and total horror.)

PI rules #1: ALWAYS check the video before you put it in the mail to the office. No exceptions!

Tamara said...

Hys...ter...i...cal!!

Thanks, Poll'; we needed that.

Higgy said...

You gotta watch those "home videos" - look at all the trouble it caused Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee - or Paris Hilton, or that pervy guy from West Wing....

can't think of his name now - got in trouble for it in the 80's, I think...

Polly P.I. said...

I forgot how sick you all were. It was video from THE BEACH. Bikini.

Tamara said...

Hey, don't worry, Polly! Your secret is safe with US! ;)

thor said...

you do realize clarifying that the home video shows you in a bikini is not going to tame down the conversation at all with this group, right? :o)

Slyeyes said...

Higgy, that was Rob Lowe.

Higgy said...

Ah, thanks, Sly! That's the dude..

So, Polly in a bikini....

And you say this tape is at headquarters....?

Jeff Meyerson said...

But Polly, you said "a certain home video" - what else were we to think?

Polly P.I. said...

I know. I'm a terrible tease.

Kafaleni said...

Nah. You're the best kind of tease.

I figured it couldn't be THAT kind of video. You'd have been called in a lot sooner. Right after the men in the office had calmed down.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Polly, you're one hell of a woman. Your blog touches me more than any of the others I read. And I mean this as an overall comment, not one based on the subject of your video.

Eleanor said...

I'd be in one of Rob Lowe's videos anytime!
just sayin...

Polly P.I. said...

Thanks, Cap'n Bob. That means a lot to me.


Eleanor... Rob Lowe. Yum.