Sunday, August 07, 2005

8/7/05

6:42 a.m. I am back at my parents house. Just a pit stop on my way down to a job in the middle of Wisconsin. Two days there and then I'm going home. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed again.

Thief River Falls (as you will see in the pictures) was quite something. Peri and I had a great time frolicking in the fields and playing with the deer and the antelope. (Were those antelope?) Peri is a much better frolicker than I am. I was jealous of her technique. She told me she had a lot of practice in her youth as she and her friends in high school used to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and then go frolicking. Apparently, it's like riding a bike...

Anyway, I'll finish up where I left off with the good doctor. I show up to my OBGYN appointment using my favorite "Sharon Johnson" alias. The nurse hands me a New Patient Questionnaire and I can feel the devil horns extending out the top of my head. I smile and sit down. (I also swipe a copy for my own personal use.)

Now let's see...


MY PROBLEM: This is an essay question and I feel like I should elaborate, but I only write, "Routine Check-up."

DO YOU OR HAVE YOU EVER HAD:
Hot Flashes: Y
Breast Discharge: Y
Visual Disturbances: Depends
Poor Sense of Smell: How do you tell?
Chronic Headaches: N
Head Trauma: N
Seizures: N
Thyroid Disorder: N
Extraordinary Stress: Y
Rigorous Exercise Program: Y
Increased Facial or Body Hair: I'm Eastern European. What do you think? I just take a NAIR dip every couple of weeks.
Increased Acne: N
Special Dietary Habits: I have a mostly liquid diet.
Vomiting: Only when I've had too much liquid.
Diabetes: N
Autoimmune Disease: N
Psychiatric Treatment: ?

SEXUAL HISTORY:

How many months have you been having intercourse without using any form of birth control? I'm 30 years old... so that would be...204.

How many times do you have intercourse per week? ____ times per week ___None ___Not applicable Let's see.... I'm 30 years old...204 months...4 weeks in a month...That's 816. Wait. That's not right..

Do you use lubricants (K-Y Jelly, etc...) during intercourse? (I left that one blank.)

Do you have questions you would like to discuss about your sexual life? (I left that one blank, too.)

Have you had any of the following sexually transmitted diseases or pelvic infections?
Chlamydia: Y
Gonorrhea: Y
Syphilis: Y
Herpes: Y
Genital warts/HPV: Y
Hepatitis: What's that?
HIV/AIDS: N
Other: I've had a couple of times were things weren't right down there, but I took some left-over antibiotics and it went away.

Total number of all pregnancies: I've got 6 babies. (All the same daddy.)


I hand in my questionnaire and sit back down to wait. The nurse is reading it over an I can see her raising her eyebrows. She takes the paper and walks out of view. About 5 minutes later I get called back to see the doc. I am told to take my clothes off and get into a gown. In a stroke of genius, I tell the nurse I'm having my period and she tells me to just take my shirt off, then. There will be no pelvic exam today. Phew!

Several minutes later, the doctor comes in. She is an older lady. Very heavy. She hobbles into the room with a smile and introduces herself. She asks me why I'm here today and I tell her it's just for a check up. She says that I've got quite a history and she can't believe I've got so many children and look so fit. I tell her I exercise a lot and she says that anybody who has sexual intercourse 816 times a week should be VERY fit. I laugh. I hate it when I start to like bad guys.

Anyway, before I can leave, I get a lecture on using contraception and condoms and I am given a prescription for birth control pills. Apparently, the good doctor thinks that 6 little Sharon Johnsons running around is more than enough...

19 comments:

Sharon Johnson said...

HEY!!

Leetie said...

I've had a couple of times were things weren't right down there, but I took some left-over antibiotics and it went away...

LOL!

Jeff Meyerson said...

Polly, you are bad bad bad!

And that is so good!

Thor said...

ROFL!

let's see... 816/week. 7 days times 24 hours equals 168 hours... 816 times divided by 168 hours....that's 4.86 times/hour! don't reckon you'd get too much p.i. work done...or blogging...if that were the case!

(oh, and i don't really wanna know what that extra .86 would be...)

Sharon Johnson Jr. said...

Hey!

Marie said...

Polly, I had some major trauma today while disposing of some stinky, moldy old peaches. As I was lifting them out of a basket to put into a plastic bag and throw out later, the skin (black from the mold) slipped off real easy.

Guess which post of yours that made me think of.

At least I managed not to puke all over the kitchen counter.

punky brewster said...

well done, Polly PI! You make me proud

*wipes tear from eye*

Joshkr said...

I did not read this, I did not read this, I did not...

Kafaleni said...

*catches Josh reading this*

*slaps him upside the head*

Thor, I'm trying to figure out that if this is happening 4.86 times per hour, (round it up to 5x, so she can have a couple of hours to sleep), it's not so much what she's doing, as who is the man (posisbly men..) who has the stamina to keep up with her?

Marie said...

Josh... You did read it didn't you?

And now you're typing one-handed, aren't you?

Marvin | Paranoid Android said...

why would he be typing one handed?

Eww! Josh! Why are you typing and checking Polly's math at the same time?! Stop it!

kibby F5 said...

JUST what I wanted from a well informed blog. The complete ObGYN pre-exam questionaire.

*goes to compare with the pre-dental questionaire*

hum.... a few differences....

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Now that's dedication to your work. Just be happy the doc wasn't a proctologist.

mike weasel said...

You have way too much fun being a PI. It's enough to make me consider a career change!

mike weasel said...

Hey, wait, so was this doc the one you were looking for?

Polly P.I. said...

Sure was! She was a CROOK! I got her, though, Weasel.

Just your friendly neighborhood PI making the world safe from insurance frauds.

mike weasel said...

Woohoo, good for you!

On second thought, I might pass on being a PI if speculums (speculii?) are approaching my nether regions.

Polly P.I. said...

Don't worry, Mike. You don't have anything to "speculate".

Polly P.I. said...

Or should I say, you haven't got the necessary equipment for "speculation".