8/12/05

8:09 a.m. I was going to entitle this post POINTERS FOR THE BUDDING INVESTIGATOR. But, upon reflection, I think that STUPID THINGS I'VE DONE is probably more appropriate.

Like the time I called a Subject's office on pretext and hadn't figured out an alias yet. When Mira Abooboo's secretary asked me to leave a name, I freaked and said, "Sharon...Abooboo...No relation." Gulp. Amazingly, I got away with it because the person I was investigating owned and operated an Indian dress-making shop so her clientelle was primarily Indian.

Or the time that I had a certain home video I'd made that ended up going to Corp instead of the Flanders case. (Ahem.) I got an email from Jethro at the office a few days later commenting on how the camera didn't seem to add ten pounds to me at all... (See Polly's face in a mask of complete and total horror.)

Speaking of work videos... There was the time that I had, apperently, left the camera on for about 20 minutes while it lay in my lap. Corporate got a good laugh out of what they so kindly dubbed "The crotch cam".

Or when I was eating hazelnuts in my truck before going in to an interview with a Subject. I walked up to the door and a big, handsome brute of a man answered. Yum. I smiled at him and he kind of backed away. Weird. I remembered to put on deodorant. I conducted the entire interview and he just stared at the wall behind my head. Whatever. Some people are just rude. I asked to use the restroom before I left and when I looked in the mirror I could have died. Nut shells and scum were coating my teeth. I looked like I hadn't brushed... ever.

And finally... (Oh, I hate to admit this)... The time when I was in the back of my truck using my handy-dandy bucket and while I was busy taking care of business, my Subject got in his car and left. I looked up. He was gone. Now, you can imagine my report.

"Investigator inadvertantly lost Subject due to drinking a 64oz mug of tea. Efforts to re-establish surveillance were unsuccessful."

No need to sugar-coat it. Yeah. I suppose I could have worded it differently, but this was more fun. I got a call from Joe, my supervisor at the time, who told me that maybe I should leave that portion out. "But we're supposed to explain why we lost the Subject." I complain. "How else am I going to say it without making it sound like I was taking a nap?" I know I am being difficult, but, like I said, this is more fun. Joe is quiet for a minute and then says, "Well, we'll send it up and see what Corporate does with it. Just... you know..stop drinking so much tea."