Tuesday, June 07, 2005


7:47 a.m. I mowed the lawn yesterday afternoon. After a month I figured it was time. When the neighbors started glaring at me a couple of weeks ago I would just yell to them, "It's okay! I'm waiting for it to go to seed!" Smile. Wave.

So, good citizen that I am, I was out there for 4 hours using the death trap lawn mower I have had for 10 years. The kind that you actually have to push. I have had to devise some ingenius repairs over time. Like the clothes hanger to keep the power supply thingy attached to the engine thingy. And then the handle...it occasionally flies off while I am mowing. I wasted a half hour of sunlight yesterday searching the grass for the bolt and screw. So far I haven't been impaled by little lawn mower missles.

So, I am still trying to write the perfect love song. I was thinking of lyrics while I was mowing. I think it inspired me.

You've mowed up my affection,
And spit it out.
But the clippings of my heart,
Will fertilize your
Prize-winning lawn of love.

Pretty good, huh? Huh? Shania Twain and Clint Black would be all over that baby.


Jeff Meyerson said...

Definite American Idol material. Guaranteed to make Simon barf.

slyeyes said...

"lawn of love" -- another euphamism for...well, you all can figure it out

My dad's cardiologist is missing his index finger. We've known him for 25 years and finally learned how that happened. When he was younger, and a cardiac surgeon, he was mowing his lawn one day and decided to trim a branch off a hedge. He did this by picking up the lawn mower with his hands....thus losing a finger; and a career as a surgeon.

He is a good cardiologist, though.

Tamara said...

SLY! Where do you GET this stuff?! ROFL!! Geez...

On lawn mowers... I've always preferred the motor-less push-mowers. Just sharpen the blades every so often; they are honestly not hard to use and way safer & more reliable.

Higgy said...

I prefer the old one-pull-start-em-up gas guzzler mowers.

For my entire 50 sq foot of lawn. Yeah, living in CA doesn't give you a whole lot of space.

How about this:
I've watered you and weeded you;
Trimmed your grass so green;
You're the loveliest bit of garden;
That God has ever seen.
(get the religious right into an uproar.)
I've edged and mulched and fertilized;
All day and nighttime too;
But I'll kill my neighbour'd dog;
If he leaves me any more poo.

Higgy said...

DOH - should be "neighbour's dog"...

Damn typo...

Jeff Meyerson said...

But Higgy, it's good fertilizer.

Sly, that is priceless! You'd think he'd know better but I guess doctors can be as dumb as the rest of us. My former brother-in-law nearly did that by using a chainsaw one-handed (he almost was) while holding the branch with his other hand, but a lawn mower!?

As Eleanor would say, OMGWTFBBQ!

slyeyes said...

When I was growing up, we had a neighbor who was the bank president. He did something similar. He lifted up a running lawnmower to see what was stuck in the blades. Lost the very tips of 3 fingers.

*starts to wonder why people she knows lose body parts in senseless lawnmowing accidents*

NONE of these people eat at Wendy's, btw.

Polly P.I. said...

My dad mangled his foot in a fight with a lawn mower when he was a teenager. He said that it ran over his foot and when he looked down all he saw was a chewed up bloody mess. You couldn't tell what was shoe and what was foot.

He went up on the front porch and called my grandmother out. "Mom! Look at what that damned lawn mower did to my foot!"

Apparently, grandma passed out.

slyeyes said...

And it's for reasons such as those that the Amish use goats.

For lawnmowing, get your minds out of the gutter!!

Brat said...

"Apparently, grandma passed out."

My mom was one of those who could stand anything EXCEPT her kids' blood.

I once got hit right between the eyes (hmmmm could that be the reason.....never mind) with a baseball bat, while playing with some neighborhood kids in our front yard. I'm screaming and yelling, mom comes out, takes one look, and falls over like a tree.

Luckily one of the neighbor's had come running to see what the screaming was about, and caught her.

I was never tempted to do the "sneak up on her and show her the injury trick" the neighborhood jerks wanted to watch, she was too much of a wonderful lady.

the Dad. said...

This is such a cool blog, I've started checking it every day when I catch up on CNN. You have an interesting life, pollypi. I have a blog that's all about my kids and only their Grandma's care to read it. Anyhow, I have a question, You seem like a 'lone wolf' TV detective with all the traveling and stuff you do, do you actually have time for family and friends and other stuff that makes life --'life'?

Deon said...

Um, Tamara, you are nuts to use those whirling blades of death kinds of lawn mowers.

a) they cannot be lifted up to mow brush and tree limbs.

2) if you like your mower to serve as an excavator/molehill grader, then your basic whirling dervish mower don't work at all.

iii) the work of sharpening those blade plus the torturous work of actually pushing one of the beasties makes one long for the days of cutting lawns with scissors.

You must live in an apartment, eh?

Tamara said...

Hey, Deon,

How many fingers am I holdin' up?


Polly P.I. said...

The Dad,

Sometimes you just have to do your best with the hand life deals you. My life would look a lot different had things turned out as planned.

But then, how often does life turn out as planned?